Reflections on Lying Awake
An ESUN Article
As Bev and I made the daily drive from our home into Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center for my 8-weeks of radiation treatments, we listened to quite a few books on tape to pass the time of the drive, which often took well over an hour each way. Among the books was a novel, Lying Awake, by Mark Salzman which made a singular impression on me. Through its beautiful, sensitive, and often dreamlike prose, it explores a special issue of "faith" and "science."
Lying Awake tells the story of a cloistered Carmelite nun, Sister John of the Cross, who must confront the possibility that the special, close relationship she personally experiences with God may potentially be caused by epileptic seizures. She must decide if she will have an operation that will cure the seizures and the painful headaches that accompany her attacks, knowing that in the cure she may experience a great loss for the rest of her life—her special relationship with God. Salzman’s careful attention to the small details of her life in the Carmelite monastery and of her brief excursions out of it, allowed me to see myself as Sister John of the Cross and to experience her doubts and fears as my own. Her struggle with what is perhaps the most critical decision in her life made me reflect on some of the critical concerns that many dealing with cancer have when faced with surgery, radiation, chemotherapy or clinical trial treatments—will the result of the treatment be worse than the disease, will the treatment kill me, what if the treatment doesn’t work, will I be the same afterward, will I be a burden to those I love, what can I lose and what can I gain by undergoing the treatments, and will I still be me after its over.
Salzman shares with us Sister John of the Cross' intimate thoughts and prayers as she confronts her fears and the rendering of her story gives hope and inspiration. In gaining some understanding of what faith means to her, we question our own. In this small, beautifully written novel, Salzman aids us in focusing on what is essential in life—to give love and to be loved.
In hope and peace,
Bruce Shriver
Editor-in-Chief, ESUN
PS: The "books on tape" version of Lying Awake has an exceptionally interesting interview with the author, Mark Salzman, who considered himself an agnostic at the time of the interview. I have no idea if he still characterizes himself in this way.
V2N3 ESUN Copyright © 2005 Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative.