Poems

Poems Along the Way

by Rachel Baumgartner

[Editor's Note: This series of ten poems by Rachel are written from the perspective of a survivor of a rare form of cancer called Askin's tumor. Rachel was diagnosed with Askin's in 1998. Her poems are being simultaneously published on our Journeys page and in ESUN because we realize that all ESUN readers do not necessarily visit the Journeys page. Since many readers will immediately relate to the issues, feelings and emotions that she is dealing with in these poems, I wanted to share them with the ESUN audience as well. There is a brief, introductory comment before each poem to give you some idea of what was happening in her life around the time she wrote the poem.]

June 1, 2006: Control was written right after I had my 2 year remission anniversary.

CONTROL

Cancer was a full out war

Inside my body

I could not control

What happened

No matter what I did

It was terrifying

Made me feel like

A helpless baby

I could not see

What was happening

But I could control

My hopes and dreams

I could control

My attitude.

January 21, 2006: I Know the Routines was written about a year and a half after my miraculous surgery.

I KNOW THE ROUTINES

I know the routines

Too well

I could do them

In my deepest sleep

And probably have

‘Hold out and straighten

The arm’

For B.P. or I.V.

Blood pressure or intravenous,

That is.

‘Lay on your back’

For inspections

Of heart, lungs

To stomach activity

And beyond

‘Open your mouth wide’

To check on mouth sores,

Thrush, temperature

Or other

‘Hold out your finger or toe’

For oxygen levels or

A finger prick

‘You will feel sleepy’

As the anesthesia kicks in

Or the Benadryl suffocates

‘Hold still’

When some part of me

Is violated and foreign objects

Are shoved inward

‘Undress from the [insert part] down or up’

So I can be inspected

Or sampled or helped

I know them

Too well.

June 20, 2005: Run Away was written about one year after my miraculous surgery.

RUN AWAY

I want to run away

Yet nowhere

Is quite far enough

Because everywhere

I go

There is my body

The thing

That frightens me

The most.

April 26, 2005: Stronger was written a year after my amazing miraculous surgery to remove the tumor between my heart, lung and spine.

STRONGER

The cancer seems gone

Medically anyways

Yet in so many ways

It is not

The remnants will remain

Forever within

My skeleton, mind and beyond

Affecting all I do

From the day it invaded

For good or for bad

It has made its mark

Permanently in time

Cancer remains influential

But I remain stronger

November 11, 2004: Scars was written about 6 months after my big miraculous surgery.

SCARS

Scars all over my body

To remind me of my battles

Scars all over my mind

To remember all the trauma

Scars all over my heart

To feel the losses

Scars all over

Healing along the way

But never disappearing.

May 10, 2004: Waiting Out was written nine days before the tumor between my heart, lung and spine was removed.

WAITING OUT

Days spent in the confines

Of a building

Sometimes my house

Other times the hospital

Challenged by the cancer

Dwelling in me

No strength to get out

Forced to lie back down

Waiting out a better day

When I can go out

And play.

November 6, 2003: Waves of Pain was written a year after finding out I had what was thought to be an inoperable tumor between my heart, lung and spine. It would be another 6 months before a surgeon would agree to take it out.

WAVES OF PAIN

Waves upon waves of pain

From my back and out my arm

Like a faucet dripping

It just keeps draining

But the pain never runs out

It can sometimes be paused

Like a videotape in a VCR

But eventually it starts again

It cannot be held back forever

So it keeps running

And scaring the life out of me

PLEASE run out of pain…

September 15, 2003: Hair Care was written when I got chemotherapy a third time for the third time I had cancer.

HAIR CARE

I must remind myself

I am beautiful

Hair or no hair

It does not change me

It cannot alter me

I am in control

I need to

Believe in myself

Know it does not matter

But still

It hurts

I stand out now

Screaming to the world

‘I have cancer’

‘I am sick’

April 14th, 2003: Have You Ever Felt Death was written 4 months after being told I had Askin’s Tumor for a third time-this time between my heart, lung and spine and expected to have weeks to live.

Have You Ever Felt Death?

Have you ever felt death?

At the ripe age of 20?

Trying to climb on your back

Clawing at your skull

Stepping on the backs of your shoes

Pounding on your chest

Suffocating your lungs

Wrapping your face in

I hope not

I thoroughly despise it

But if so

You must keep going

Hitting it off

Fighting it back

Yelling at it

Pushing it away

Bringing out all your weapons

Brushing it off

Then you will not feel it

So much

April 3, 2003: Radiation Revisited was written four months after the third time with Askin’s tumor while doing radiation again like I had done during my first diagnosis.

RADIATION REVISITED

This week brought me back to that place

Almost 4 years ago I had known it well

A daily routine spanned over six weeks

Then, a girl of sixteen yet so much wiser

My last bit of hair banded into petite pigtails

Keeping my head up and eyes straight ahead

Overlooking the elderly outnumbering me all to one

And shocked eyes following every movement

They seemed to think out loud

Disbelief and denial creeping in

Will she put on a gown or her mother?

Ignoring the obvious absence of hair

I would return clothed in the temporary apparel

How lucky some felt to know long healthy years

Silently I knew I had prevailed

Aware I had stirred the stale air

After visiting the special room

For minutes lesser than a power nap

I would transform back into the teenager

Only until I returned the next day

Shutting that door after 6 weeks.

Now I was back at that place

Even on the elevator I smelled it

The haunting familiar smell of times ago

A chilling revelation that I was back again

Partly by choice, partly by need

The basement hallway before me

The doorway on the left after the indoor pool

The same face greeted me

A different hairstyle-updated, I guess

It was out of place to be back

The ungreased stiff door reopening

A flashback in reality and not in mind

I headed towards the dressing rooms again

A memory awakened from deep within

A natural instinct to grab a folded gown

From the back shelf and then into a stall

I straightened the curtain and took a deep breath

After removing my red t-shirt of more recent times

I draped the scratchy gown around me

Finding the cheap ribbons immediately

I hesitated and looked in the mirror

I suddenly had to step closer

Was I really seeing that

Or were my tired eyes tricking me?

A woman with hair-for once

I saw very deep, glossy eyes

Someone could easily get lost

I had a realization

I truly have grown up

The radiation would be treating a woman now

Her deep eyes still puzzling me

The reflection stirring the still air

The wisdom within them intimidating

Begging me to keep going

[Closing Note: You can read more about Rachel's journey with sarcoma by clicking here.]